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Dating Is a Skill And Most of Us Were Never Taught How
Why modern dating requires strategy, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence
By: Chantal Landreville, Certified Love & Relationship Coach and author of Raise Your Love Signal: A Guide to Attracting and Keeping the Love of Your Life
It’s like saying dating is an art, but no one ever taught us how to hold the brush.
So we wonder why it feels frustrating, messy, and exhausting.
Just because you want love or even feel ready for it doesn’t mean you automatically know how to date. Wanting a relationship and knowing how to build one are two completely different things.
Dating is a learned skill. It takes awareness, emotional maturity, and practice. And the truth is, most of us were never taught how to do it well.
The Myth That Love Should Come Naturally
We grew up on movies and storylines that made love look like fate: you lock eyes, sparks fly, and everything just “clicks.” But that narrative has done more harm than good.
Somewhere along the way, we began to believe that love should be effortless — and if it wasn’t, something must be wrong. But real connection isn’t built on chemistry alone; it’s built on skill.
When you think about it, it’s not that we can’t date — it’s that we were never taught how to date well. We were never shown how to communicate needs, set boundaries, or recognize compatibility beyond surface attraction.
And in today’s modern dating landscape, the challenge has only intensified. Twenty years ago, meeting someone happened organically through friends, work, or shared social circles. Today, dating has become digital, fast-paced, and transactional. Apps have made it easier to meet people, but harder to form real connections.
That’s why dating today requires something different: strategy, emotional intelligence, and a deeper understanding of yourself.
The Modern Dating Dilemma
If dating feels harder now, it’s because it is.
We’re living in a time of abundance and confusion where having endless options can actually make it harder to choose. Research in Canada supports this: a 2023 Angus Reid report found that over half of single Canadians describe dating as “difficult” and “emotionally draining.” Many said they struggle to meet people who share their values, while others admitted they no longer trust their own judgment after so many disappointing experiences.
We swipe, text, talk for weeks, and then — silence.
It’s no wonder people feel burnt out and question if love is even worth it anymore.
The problem isn’t that people don’t want love. It’s that we’re applying old mindsets to a new world.
We’re still dating with the rom-com mentality — expecting instant sparks, effortless chemistry, and zero discomfort. But modern dating requires something else entirely: the ability to approach it with self-awareness, detachment, and intention.
That means knowing what you’re actually looking for — not just what looks good on paper or feels exciting in the moment. It means learning to regulate emotions when things don’t move as fast as you’d like. It means understanding that attraction doesn’t always equal alignment.
Dating has evolved. Our approach needs to evolve with it.
Learning the Art (and Skill) of Dating
If you’ve ever said, “I’m ready for love,” but still find yourself attracting the wrong people, repeating patterns, or feeling frustrated, here’s the truth: readiness isn’t just emotional — it’s practical.
You can desire a healthy relationship deeply, but still lack the skills required to create one. And that’s not a flaw, it’s an opportunity.
So what does skillful dating actually look like?
1. Get curious about your patterns.
Before looking outward, look inward. Ask yourself: what kind of dynamics do I keep recreating? Do I overinvest too soon? Do I chase potential instead of presence? Self-awareness is your foundation for better choices.
2. Practice emotional detachment.
This doesn’t mean being cold or guarded — it means staying centered. Learn to approach dating with curiosity instead of desperation. Detachment allows you to observe compatibility instead of trying to force it.
3. Date for data.
Every interaction teaches you something about communication, pacing, or your emotional triggers. Instead of labeling a date as “good” or “bad,” see it as feedback. What did this experience reveal about what you value, or what you need to refine?
4. Learn the difference between connection and compatibility.
Connection feels exciting. Compatibility feels peaceful. The former creates sparks; the latter creates stability. Both matter — but if you only chase the spark, you’ll keep burning out.
5. Update your dating strategy.
The “go-with-the-flow” approach doesn’t work in 2025. Be intentional. Know your deal-breakers, your emotional bandwidth, and your relationship goals. Treat dating as something you develop mastery in — not something that just “happens.”
Why This Matters Beyond Romance
Learning to date consciously isn’t just about finding a partner — it’s about strengthening your relationship with yourself.
The same skills that make someone great at dating — emotional awareness, communication, and discernment — are the same ones that build better friendships, work relationships, and even leadership. When you understand your patterns, you also understand how you show up in every area of life.
We often think love is something external that happens to us — but in reality, it’s something we co-create. And just like any art form, it requires practice, patience, and a willingness to learn.
Dating is no longer about finding “the one.”
It’s about becoming someone who knows how to recognize and receive healthy love.
So the next time you feel discouraged or think, “I’m just bad at dating,” remember this: you’re not bad at it — you’re simply untrained.
Dating well takes skill, self-awareness, and the courage to unlearn old patterns. It’s not a race to find love, it’s a journey to build it differently.
And when you finally learn to hold the brush, love stops feeling like chaos and starts looking like art.
ABOUT
Chantal Landreville is an author and a Toronto-based Certified Love and Relationship Coach with over two decades of experience in personal growth and human connection. Her mission is to help individuals discover the path to authentic and lasting love, and she is dedicated to empowering her readers with the knowledge and tools needed to create healthy, fulfilling relationships. Chantal’s work emphasizes personal development, self-acceptance, and effective communication.
Raiseyourlovesignal.com | IG: @chantal.landreville
